The Truth is all there is...

My last blog post as a twenty-three year old...

I chose this image because, as we all know, buds represent growth and something new. A natural evolution, progression and beauty. I admit, I get sentimental around birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, celebrations...basically, everything. This past week I took some time here and there, walking to work, lying in the park, etc., to reflect upon this past year. It's been a big one. Perhaps the biggest yet. I got my first job out of college, moved to New York City, got laid off, got another job, met some amazing people, lost some, discovered incredible places, opened my eyes to the magic around me. I've felt the best and worst I've ever felt during the past year. I think I hit every mark on the emotional spectrum.


This was a huge year of, cheesy as it may sound, self-exploration and discovery. Being out of school for the first time in my life, it was a journey to move somewhere new, without an instant built-in community. To move to a place where nobody knew who I was. Where even I had to re-discover, examine, and embrace my own identity; who I really am. And there have been challenges, but in the end I am grateful. Everything is a lesson and as much as it may not make sense, as much as it may hurt or frustrate you [me], it's meant to be there. It serves a purpose.


Spiritual, soulful, and emotional evolution.....


Within the past year I've been surrounded by exceptional love. Primarily from my parents and a few resilient, incredible friends. I am grateful everyday for whole support, honesty, and ceaseless love I feel from these people.


I've made some of the biggest decisions of my life....learned what it means to truly listen to yourself, even when everything external is telling you otherwise. And when to take the external into account. Finding the fine balance between body and mind....heart and logic.


I've also experienced a type of betrayal I hope to never comes across again. From a person I least expected it from, came a fountain of lies. Having such an open heart, I suppose, makes me especially vulnerable. But this experience, as awful as it was, has revealed things about myself I never took the time to appreciate...and seeing the lack of those traits in another person highlighted them in myself.


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Along this vein, I usually approach birthdays thinking "ok, what are my goals for this year? How can I better myself? What do I want to achieve?". And while these are absolutely flowing through my mind, I also think that birthdays should be a time of self-celebration and appreciation. So first let me begin with a list of things I appreciate about myself. Things I am grateful for and have come to recognize within the past year.


-I am honest. This is, by far, the number one trait I admire and cherish in a person. I don't see why anyone would be any other way. I was raised in a family and town that always emphasized the importance of honesty in friendships and beyond.


-I am not judgmental. I never really noticed it until I moved to the city, but I can genuinely say that while I am human and innately, gently judge situations through my own contextual lens, I am a very open human being. I love the diversity this city presents and I truly appreciate the differences I come across everyday. I like that I can hang with the hippies, the preppies, the skater boys, the goths, the punks, the corporate crowd, the artists, etc. I find that if you're grounded and secure within yourself, you're able to naturally connect with nearly everyone


...I guess those are the two main things.


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What I see for the next year:


I decided several days ago that this is going to be a "no bullshit" year. Good plan, huh? At least a "minimal BS" year! What do I mean by this? For one, I think it's accurate to say that we all have negative people in our life who we keep around for one reason or another. Well, time to eliminate the people whose "con" list greatly outweighs the "pro".


"No BS" also means that if I want to do something, create something, go somewhere, take a risk: DO IT.


I feel myself on the brink of something great. For the first time, my massive pool of seemingly unrelated thoughts and ideas is beginning to come together and make sense. My goal? To do something with it. Become my dream.


I'd also like to continue building my roots within the city. Expanding horizons and friendships.


...Cheers! To being 24...


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Narrative's "poem of the week"...I like:






From The Dream We Carry

by Olav H. Hauge



When All Is Said and Done
Year in, year out, you’ve bent over books.
You’ve gathered more knowledge
than you’d need for nine lives.
When all is said and done,
so little is needed, and that much
the heart has always known.
In Egypt the god of knowledge
had the head of an ape.



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Today, right at the moment I needed it, one of my wonderful friend sent me this song. I almost forgot how in love with Max Richter I am. Listen with shut lids...






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Edmonton names hip-hop artist latest poet Laureate...sweet!






http://www.cbc.ca/arts/books/story/2009/05/26/edmonton-pemberton-poet-laureate.html

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There is much more, but for now, sending my love to all <3>

Smile, breathe, and go slowly

All the things that truly matter — beauty, love, creativity, joy, inner peace — arise from beyond the mind

Reach Out in the Darkness

Back in the city after a wonderful weekend in Vermont.  Really, I am just so full of gratitude to have such authentic and loving people in my life and a green, clean, clear, mountainous land to visit.

In the midst of my trip I came across various bits of memorabilia that made me laugh.  One such item was found in the top drawer of my old dresser.  Now, this is a dresser I had had from ages 8-15.  My mom and I decided that it'd be a good idea to go through all of the crap in my old room and give a bunch of it away, since I don't use it anymore.  I made my way through the closet...tossing leotards and mini-tanks aside, hanging onto the t-shirts I had won at elementary school jog-a-thons past...

Anyway, I get to the underwear drawer of the bureau.  I used to stash all of my secret little trinkets and journals in there.  I found about 5 old journals.  A lot of the stuff I wrote about I can laugh at now...6th grade crushes, qualms with friends, etc.  But I was actually somewhat stunned by the maturity in my writing when it addressed the more important things.  For example, why I danced and how my universe shifted when I walked through the studio doors.  Or the voice my writing took on when I described my love for my brothers and parents.  It was nice to sift through these and re-ground myself in a very different way.

The best part though: I'm making my way through the drawer and in the very back right-hand corner, I find some transparent paper.  I pull it out and see that it has writing all over it.  An unsent love letter!  Oh man, this was such a find.  It's from when I was fifteen and had recently broken up with my first boyfriend (shall remain nameless...but for those of you who know, the i and the tt...eek!).  We started dating when we were 14 and we were so in love, we thought.  We didn't have any classes together during the day, so he would always send me little notes or drawings through friends.  I remember one day my friend Katie delivered a drawing from him that was one huge flower and he had colored each petal differently and written some sweet thing next to it.  Anyway, I was, and still am, a sucker for anything romantic, so I was pretty much head over heels for this guy.  We talked about getting married, being together forever, etc. etc.  Classic 14 yr old love.  Trouble in paradise started to rumble when I moved away at age 15 to go to school in Boston.  The first few months were ok, but I was really busy with school and had taken a liking to a new "man" (aka: 16 yr old boy) at school.  So, the time came...I called _____ and broke up with him.  The drama!  I think we were on the phone for about 2 hours, crying, laughing, the whole deal.

So this note I found in my bureau over the weekend (that was a roundabout way of getting to the point) was written after the break-up...clearly never went to him.  It was four full pages.  It was addressed "Dear_____, my first love,".  It went on about how I was sorry I broke his heart (this guy still won't talk to me) and how sometimes thing don't make sense but they're right and how i'll always have a section of my heart dedicated to him (false), etc etc.  Anyway, it was just interesting/entertaining to read this almost nine years later...and re-assuring in a way, too.  There was even a line in it that literally made me laugh aloud: "Even when I am 27 and totally in love with someone else, I will still love you".  Um...no.  Anyway, don't really know where I'm going with this.  I guess it was not only fun to re-visit that 'drama' of my past, but also a reminder that things that seem huge right now, or all-consuming, will pass.  Obviously I've had more serious loves/break-ups since then and I thought the ache would never cease.  But it does.  And that's the beauty in human resilience.  And I needed that reminder.

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On another note, I was driving along and this song came on!  Whatever happened to simple, feel-good lyrics and melody?  My mom used to sing this song while frolicking around the house (and still does) and it's such a good one!  When it came on the stereo, I realized that I had  never actually heard the song, but knew every word.  So, here it is [could only embed a version that goes along with a MASH montage...at least it was kind of a cool show, I guess.  The point here is the song though]:

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I also found some great video footage when I was home and converted it from 8mm vid to DVD...currently working on editing it on my computer.  I'll eventually get some clips on here.

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Interesting piece on the magic and mystery of Shakespeare's sonnets:

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/books/features/400-years-young-the-magic-and-mystery-of-shakespeares-sonnets-1687684.html

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One week until my birthday!  23 has been great, but I feel ready for 24...a natural progression, the shifts are accelerating ... and it's a good thing

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What?! Robert Frost's family farm is for sale (buy a piece for a mere $25,000...hmm):

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/chi-talk-frost-farmmay22,0,2518411.story

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Sad:  

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1185988/Ode-dear--recite-single-poem.html

This is where my new ideas will come into play...make it more accessible/physically engaging...[more to come]

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Good reason to be in BarTHelona this week:

http://www.e-poetry2009.com/schedule.php

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As always, I have so much more to share, but I don't even know where to start and I have one of my favorite people in the world coming to see me in 2 hours, so I better get started with my day.  I'll leave you on this feel good note (another in my mom's musical compilation):

Green Light

...And we speak

in our own

clear

language.

Who knows

if things don't

know in themselves

that we're called

something else.

Everyone forgets that Icarus also flew.

It's the same when love comes to an end,
or the marriage fails and people say
they knew it was a mistake, that everybody
said it would never work. That she was
old enough to know better. But anything
worth doing is worth doing badly...

I believe Icarus was not failing as he fell,
but just coming to the end of his triumph.

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Testing out various sets of wings now.  I think I like them all because they all show me I can fly.

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Why is pistachio so good?  And more importantly, why are avocados so freakishly delicious in countless recipes, forms, arrangements, and settings?  Perhaps they are the best just peeled and eaten with a spoon

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I have many things going on in this head of mine...but for now, I have some reading to do and some sleep to wrap up in.  It's been a near-sleepless weekend.  Fun, but time to remedy that situation

bisous a tous

Discover Magic

It lives inside you, it lies on the street, it's in the breeze and on the tip of your tongue.  No matter how hard some people try, it's brilliance and resilience will never go dim.  It's magic!

...and it's everywhere...

Don't you see the wonder at your feet?

Music is the memory of what never happened

I was thinking of beautiful music today and called to mind C. Dreyer's 1928 "Jean D'Arc".  An incredibly moving, black and white, silent (initially), French film that I was first introduced to in a film class in college.  It's composed of almost 100% close-up shots, which I love and I think that it is perfect for the narrative. The film details the last hours of the life of Joan of Arc and takes place after she was captured by the English. It depicts her trial, imprisonment, torture, and execution much as a passion play would.  I was thinking about this film as I was walking home.  What about this film touches me? Why, when everybody else in my class declared it was their least favorite film of the semester, did I tear up, get a lump in my throat and wear it for hours after exposure?

The answer?  I don't know, exactly.  But for one, the woman who plays Jean (Joan), Renee Falconetti, is stunning.  Her facial expressions are perfection and she is absolutely the woman for the role.  Her facial expressions, her movements, everything...derives from the heart.  And that's what makes her so believable. 

Also, the music is almost unbearably moving.  The musical score is called "Voices of Light" and...wow.  

While the components of the film are enough to touch anyone (or at least anyone beyond film 101), I have always felt a connection with Joan of Arc's tale.  Who knows why, the possible reasons are countless.  But something about being deeply misunderstood, unable to effectively pass on the truth, suffering severe, undeserved consequences...maybe it's something we can all relate to on some level.  Whatever the case is though, I have always had an innate, almost secretive reverence for Joan and this film brings that to the surface.

Anyway, you definitely have to be in the right mood for it.  It's not a "hey, let's all veg out on a friday night and watch C. Dreyer's Jean D'Arc".  I almost prefer watching it in solitude, for one.  But also, it is fairly long and requires a certain state of mind/being in order to be fully received.  Below is one small segment.  I recommend, if you ever feel it's the right time, one day sitting down and watching the entire film (I think that now, through finding little segments on youtube, you can actually see the whole thing online.  Or Netflix it).  Feast your eyes, ears, and hearts:

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I have so much more I want to write about, but now I don't have time!  This weekend I will write a nice long post :)

biz