what kind of mystical, magical device is capable of such wizardry?

A few weeks ago, upon hand-delivering a pineapple to my office and later realizing that the act was not the focal point of my following blog post, my dear friend Ben proclaimed that one day he'd like to be the centerpiece (or "cynosure", if you will) of an upcoming blog post.  So this is it!

In short, Ben is a crazy, cracky, cranky, cozy, corrupt, coital, caring, contagious, canny, comical, and compassionate guy.  

I think the best way to illustrate our friendship is by sharing random excerpts of Gchat conversations we've had through the months.  Our relationship truly blossomed one fine day in...I want to say November?...when we were both at work and experiencing a significant lull in the day.  And thus it began.  Have I mentioned how hilarious this guy is?  Let's just say that at least 10 times someone has walked into my office to find me red in the face, gasping for air, with tears streaming down my face.  This is extreme laughter.  Anyway, done w/ the rambling.  This will most likely be worthless and potentially annoying for anyone who is not Ben or myself, but here it goes.

This one's for you BenYameen, Boops, Beep, Car, and whatever else I call you...

[everyone else may as well switch screens at this time]

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me: Hey dude

Benjamin: hey dudette

me: (Remember that tv show from the '90s?)

Benjamin: its snowing like what?

hey dude!

i do!

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Benjamin: "my name is Thor Stormborn, I was born on a glacier in helsinki, and I kill bears for a living."

me: I know that guy

Benjamin: "I am also a principal dancer with the bolshoi ballet"

THAT'S a unique guy!

me: "also, I invented the post-it"

Benjamin: "my diet consists of barbed wire, and vegan rice."

"also, I am chuck norris."

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me: yaoun chat furrr a biyt?

Benjamin: maybs

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Benjamin: you are a cool woman

and i am cougar prey...

me: together...we have the power to...

eh...

Benjamin: hm...

gain the respect of older women?

me: slash envy?

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me: ADORABLE, love her

Benjamin: she doesnt understand that that makes her sound like a 14 year old with the IQ of a ballpene hammer


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Benjamin: but come ON!

me: Je comprends

These chips r going to heavenly, btw

Benjamin: i am kind of a hardass, but i have a mostly happy life and there's little that makes me uncomfortable

me: Guacamole

Benjamin: no that doesnt make me uncomfortable, just aroused

me: Good response, huh?

Benjamin: and also btdubs, i make amazing yam fries

me: I'm making that too (guac)

Benjamin: wait, lemme try that again

also, btdubs, i make amazing sweet potato fries

me: Yam fries ...

Benjamin: the word yam is hilarious

haha say yam fries aloud


me: I did! And I'm cracking up in my kitchen

Yam

Benjamin: yeah i generally avoid saying yam because it makes me laugh

me: We should have a cook-a-thong

Woah!!! Thon. Thon

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me: u there?

Benjamin: YO, what's up?

me: talking to broccoli ... so boring

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Benjamin: oh you'll love it

i saw it on broadway and DIED

me: so excited

Benjamin: hilar

me: ridic

Benjamin: totes

me: love abbrevs

Benjamin: love to hate them

me: hate to love them

it's a double-edged sword

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Benjamin: you am not so bright

me: I are two!

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Benjamin: no no im starting my mullet

me: HOT

Benjamin: oh yeah

me: mullets r so trendy/edgy (in Spain, circa 1993)

Benjamin: but i shaved my head, except for the last few inches above the back of my neck for my mullet

me: sexy, ben

Benjamin: i figure if I rock that with a nice neckbeard, the ladies will be unable to resist me

thick luxurious neckbeard


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Benjamin: nice

did you have a stroke recently ?

me: eff u

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me: art thou therest?

Benjamin: no

me: ok, oh well...i'll try again later

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Benjamin: thats $2,000 a month julia

me: eek!

Benjamin: absurd

do you know what I could accomplish with that

me: the purchase of many McFlurries

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Benjamin: the weth is perf

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Benjamin: its almost sensual isn't it

i love that

me: Had to wait till I had turned over all the chips...vital part

Benjamin: totes vite

me: And yes, it's like a mini org

Benjamin: J.V. org

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me: I was hoping I had read their book so I could moderate

But noooooo

Benjamin: haha moderate?

you're such a bibliophile...

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Benjamin: 3 of my close friends have swine flu

me: huh, just remembered i have a phone call at 8:30

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Benjamin: weak people kinda bother me

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me: I'm chatting via phone

Benjamin: *gasp!

me: I know...don't say anything

Benjamin: what kind of mystical, magical device is capable of such wizardry??

me: ...I'll explain that to u one day, lil' one

Don't sweat it, I will ease your frazzled mind when I return

I know it's a lot to take

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Benjamin: good call

im gonna go poop out of my anus now

me: out of your anus? weird

Benjamin: i know i know

variety is the spice of life

me: your body works so differently than any other i know

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Benjamin: do you use gruyere and cheddar and parmesan??

and butter?

and love?

me: yes, YES, and yes

not parm, actually, not necessary. Or gruyere

Benjamin: and crust on top?

me: double up on the "hunter's sharp" cheddar

what is mac n' cheese w/o crust?

Benjamin: oh the hunter's sharp...

mac and gay

me: i'll tell you what it ISN'T: mac n' cheese

right

Benjamin: god we're so clever

me: mac n' I may as well put this in the garbage disposal

Benjamin: have you heard of the waverly inn?

me: mac n' I just threw up in my mouth a little and it tasted better than "mac n' cheese" w/o crust

ok, im done w. that

Benjamin: we get it

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Benjamin: bus it??

shame on you

don't you dare bus it

me: Well it IS only $15


Benjamin: and you pay for what you get

you can't put a price on safety

and by safety i mean luxury

and by can't i mean can


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Benjamin: i dont think you're there, but i forgot to tell you the story about the mom who basically proposed marriage to me on the cruise

remind me to tell you lates

me: what!?

sorry, work happened

what cruise? what mom?

Benjamin: it's ok, me too

the cruise i take my clients on after the concert

well, there's an overpriced cash bar, and a group of about 3 of the moms were hitting it pretty hardcore

me: of course

Benjamin: by about 1:30, they were all railed

me: you are such cougar prey

Benjamin: and pretended they were in high school on the dance floor and everything it was hilarious

anyway

hahah i am cougar prey


me: yessss

Benjamin: i decided to have some fun with them, so i went over to schmooze with them

thinking I knew full well how it would end

well, we're talking about what i like to do in NYC

"do you see broadway shows?"

me: haha, right question to ask YOU!

Benjamin: "well, i'll see a show if one of my friends is in it, but I prefer the ballet and the opera"

they swooned...

and one says to me

pointing to her wedding ring

"if it weren't for this fucking thing, i would literally marry you right fucking now."

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Benjamin: extra people??

me: in lbs

Benjamin: like a midge for each leg?

midge = midget

me: i knew what that meant, give me some credit

Benjamin: wait what's gross about wetlands?

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me: ben, ok, ok, but what about u?

how is your throat?

Benjamin: she's ok

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me: best nickname. ever.

Benjamin: hahahaha

thats worth ordering broccoli even if you don't like it

"jules hows that broccoli?"

"pretty boring actually, could major use some spice"

"actully it's REALLY boring"

me: "i actually hate broccoli"

"it's always the same"

Benjamin: "def needs to get laid. I pretend to like broccoli, but i actually am annoyed by it"


me: "broccoli has no libido"

Benjamin: "then sometimes I think i like it, but then i have it, and am reminded why I loathe it so"

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Benjamin: anyway, byesies

me: ciaosies

Benjamin: haha nice, we'll talk tomorrow

me: yes

Benjamin: a bientotsies

and so on

me: a tout a l'heursies

ad infinitum

Benjamin: hahahaha enough


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