...and maybe we're all an extension of another's grand gesture

Yesterday, again! I was walking along St. Marks ...cold winds, colorful sounds, random smells, and then there it was! I literally stepped on it. I was astounded and said aloud, "WHAT?!". Remember that "become your dream" with the little goldfish next to it written on the mattress? SAME thing on the sidewalk. Someone had written it with chalk. I looked all around me, searching for clues, thinking this must be some new phrase/theme/logo for something. But no, everything around it was in no way linked to this message. Still, I am blown away. This is not just a little sign from the universe, it is the universe shoving this command into my face: JULIA-- BECOME YOUR DREAM! Ok, ok, I will, I will! I want nothing more than to become my dream. And I feel it, I do...I know exactly what it will feel like when my dream and I can no longer be distinguished from one another.


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Perhaps I should get a little pet goldfish? I'm not so much a fish person though. Been there, tried that. Hate changing the water bowl. Last year, Katherine and I had two fish. We named them "Infinity" and "Beyond". Within three days, Beyond went, well, beyond. We had a nice little ceremony for him in our little backyard. We buried him in the hard November ground, made a nice little tombstone (K: do you remember what the stone said?) and each said a few words to our beloved.

Infinity was suddenly not as cool, with his co-bowl dweller in the ground. We loved him all the same, but soon became accustomed to neglecting to wash his bowl. It began to REEK. I kid you not, for about a week we thought that our apartment had sewage problems...infinity's bowl had a home on our kitchen table, a few feet from the bathroom. One day I came home from class to find a kitchen table top, smooth, bare. Katherine came out of her room and declared that she had figured out the smell. It was Infinity's water! Instead of cleaning it, she had moved it to the basement. This is one of the many reasons I love this girl. I would have done the same exact thing. For the next week or so, one of us would trek to the basement, hold our breath, and light some incense before dashing upstairs to suck in some fresh air. Soon even the incense wouldn't suffice. You may be thinking, "umm...why didn't you just buck up and clean the water?". A good point, and I understand your position. But I think that since we had already gone through so much to avoid the act of cleaning the bowl, cleaning it was 100% out of the picture. It became more of a question of morals/principles, rather than practicality...regardless of how weird/skewed those morals/principles were. Trust me, it made sense at the time.

Eventually our dear friend and goldfish lover, Magdalena, claimed she wanted to adopt Infinity. Katherine and I both let out a weak and unconvincing, "aww, give up Infinity?". 2 minutes later: boom, Infinity was in good hands and our apartment smelled of flowers once again.

About a month and a half later Infinity died. The cause? Grief, I think. He never was the same without Beyond.

So no, I don't think the Universe is telling me to get a goldfish...but I do like the idea of it.

And then there's the time Katherine found a dead bird in our backyard and placed in on our steps...and there it rested for a week or so. Then that, too, we laid to rest. But that's another tale for another day.

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I want to be an old woman in Europe. Meaning, when I become old (70+), I refuse to turn into an American zombie. I want to create, create, create, forever. Everyday of my life I will create, in some way. And I will know that I have lived the way I want to live when my corporeal self dies and I continue to create...for years and years.

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It's amazing what an effect you can have on somebody's life without even knowing it

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If you were to name the four strongest human emotions/states of being (genres, whatever), what would you say? I am having difficulty thinking of a fourth. Here's my tentative list:

1. Happiness, ecstasy, bliss, joy
2. Sorrow, grief, depression, loneliness
3. Rage, anger, destructive, furious
4. _________________________________

Here are a few thoughts, but I just...hm...well, here they are:

-utter compassion/empathy
-pity
-apathy

...?

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In case you haven't noticed, I'm a big fan of the ellipses. I stick them in everywhere. I think they stand in for what I'm feeling...or when I just feel and have no words. I've always known myself to be a particularly sentient being and, well, sometimes...ellipses.

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That's all for tonight. Thanks for stopping by

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Tyger, tyger, burning bright,
In the forests of the night;